|Reflections are usually best done over a good drink. Go ahead, treat yourself before the end of the year.|
Reflecting on the end of this year and in general the entirety of my life, the older I get, the less I think there is such a thing as complete closure. Some wonderful and terrible experiences end in ways that will never leave us. People exit by choice, force, or death, and it leaves a pain in our sides probably until the day we die. (Who knows, perchance, eternally...) I think I remember and feel some kind of emotion about each one everyday.
Maybe we are never supposed to have closure. Perhaps this perpetual open ended-ness, the wound that will not heal is what propels us forward or forces us to stop and consider whatever it is we need to consider. I don't think I'd be half as motivated to find happiness if I did not live so closely with my greatest losses. If this is true, knowing it doesn't make any of them that much easier, but it does give me a little bit more of a reason to keep being.
Every once in a while, I question my state of being, as I am sure all thoughtful sentient beings do. I don't question my purpose necessarily, but I question whether or not I am fulfilling it. I dig myself into an "Am I doing good?" hole. Some days I feel I am, and others, I think my existence is a burden. I can't let myself feel the latter because those kinds of thoughts are exactly the kind that make me not do good, for myself and others.
My goal for 2013? It is to follow my own doctrine. I don't think I've ever spoken about religion here, and that is deliberate. Today, though, I think I would like to. I was raised Roman Catholic, but as I became more aware growing up and saw the injustices in all religion and religious practice, I formed my own beliefs. I thought to myself, "What was Jesus Christ all about? All he wanted was love, right---to give and receive love?" So, if what I do somehow demonstrates love, it is a good thing. If it does not demonstrate love, if it justifiably hurts or is an act of hate, it is a bad thing, a thing I should not do.
Whatever religion you practice or if you don't practice anything at all, I think you're pretty solid so long as you practice love first. Practicing love will please your God and will always benefit the world. If I continue to practice love, then I will succeed in my endeavours, and I will feel good about myself. This goal is simple, but it is the most important one of all.