18 August 2012

New Beginnings

Waiting for the train. Field Museum in the far background.

Hi, folks! I apologize for my extended absence, so thank you to those that have maintained interest in Sherry and Cookies.

Recently, I had to make some big decisions, decisions that are life changing. While I am typically rather public with my goings-ons, it does not mean I want to subject those close to me to the same kind of attention which is why I can't discuss the details here. It will become apparent soon enough, but I need to do my best to be respectful to all involved parties. No, it has nothing to do with Lolita. 

Nonetheless, I want to share with you as much as I can. Through this blog, I like to do the following: share things that I enjoy, indulge in humorous fluff, and most importantly, try to empower young women and men in the Lolita Fashion community with the knowledge (or the reminder of the knowledge) that they deserve everything wonderful in the world. When we can love ourselves and love each other, undiscovered planes of existence become tangible in our lace-covered fingers, and our minds wrought with inspiration. 

Some of my choices lately have reflected that. For example, I managed to get one of my dream jobs--I am an educator at a planetarium! I am actually using my Bachelor's degree, something I honestly never expected to do in this job market. Hopefully, it will be a stepping stone to even more exciting ventures, career-wise. However, everything else has not been so positive. 

A heartbreaking chunk of my life transformed into something I conditioned myself to never expect. People who were a part of my core will never be in my life the same way again. I have always been a person that thrives on making the people I love happy. When I cannot make them happy, I do not always know how to feel happiness on my own. It is one of my most problematic flaws, or at least, I think it is. 

I have heard hundreds of times over the years that I have to find happiness within myself before I can share it with other people, especially lately. However, in all honesty, I really do like who I am. I am endlessly self-critical, but that stems from another frustration completely: the inability to please, seem worthwhile to, be respected by, or be satisfactory to the people I consider those who matter most. I could not (and cannot) pin down why I continue to fail and be failed by them. It is taking me a long time to understand that these kinds of relationships are toxic, and the more effort I put into them, the more of my worst self I become. 

Letting go of what I know is difficult. I flourish under a certain amount of routine, and I have the tendency to become stagnant in memories. It's a survival mechanism for when life is moving too quickly because one of my greatest desires is for everything to just slow down for a good while. I want to hear "Good morning!" and "Good night!" from the same people on a regular basis with a mutual understanding that we are there for each other regardless the circumstance. I want mutual love, support, attention, and understanding. I suppose those are qualities many desire.

Recently, I was able to feel a microburst of the purest kind of bliss. Despite the profound sadness I experience on and off, it has given me the will to push forward and experience new things. I have hope that opportunities on the horizon are more than just opportunities and that I can make someone of myself of whom I can be truly proud. This hope is painful in ways, but it is necessary. Hope is motivation. 

My absence has been because I did not have motivation; I didn't know what I could say that would be of any use. I couldn't wear the dresses or the bows, and I could barely look at them. I did not want to be around most of my friends. What kind of wisdom could that darkness breed? 

This is why I am so thankful for those unexpected moments I shared. They reignited the spark inside me, reminding me that I am wonderful. I am not the same as who I was before, but I am here now. I can begin to be present again and work towards true happiness, even if I don't know what that means for me right now. 

Thank you again to all who sit here every now and again to drink sherry and eat cookies with me. I promise to always refill the plates and glasses. 

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